Pierre McGyvre

The strangest idea that I've ever had for a blog was to combine hockey analyst Pierre McGuire and the adventure television show MacGyver. It would consist of stories where Pierre solved basic problems not with hastily rigged contraptions and paper clips but with his vast knowledge of where various hockey players played their junior hockey.

Aside from the fact that this would be satire, and thus no copyrights would be violated and no one's feelings would be hurt, this was an idea that would be heavily dependent on me being able to amuse myself without pissing people off. I did not do it to make fun of McGuire, who already has a legion of people online who have all but given up making fun of his hockey commentary (a lot of these people haven't bothered to post anything in a while because, after using all of those four-letter words, they plumb ran out of ideas). I didn't do it because I wanted someone to come after me and make me shut it down. I was just hoping for some laughs.

Well, if there was ever a one-post blog, this would have been it.

I settled on calling it "Pierre McGyvre" so that people wouldn't sue me right away. I decided that it wouldn't be overly nasty towards McGuire because, while I do get annoyed with his startling knowledge of where everyone played their developmental hockey throughout Canada and the United States, there's no reason to add that sort of thing to the horrorshow that is the modern internet.

Each "post" would be the story of how Pierre McGyvre solved some sort of problem by knowing the intricate details of the lives of minor league hockey players that I would make up. This would usually be a "MacGyver" situation where people were trapped in a dressing room with a nuclear bomb in a hockey bag before the puck drops or trying to find local food in a place like, say, Philadelphia before a Flyers-Penguins game. In a "MacGyver" situation, he would have to use a paperclip, a rubberband and some gum to stop the bomb from going off. In a "Pierre McGyvre" situation, knowing that Todd McBlunkfoot played with the Fernie Elkhorns in the Alberta Under 25 D-League where he had to work part time as a plutonium miner in order to have his own place. This esoterica would help Pierre stop the bomb from going off by using the plutonium residue in McBlunkfoot's helmet liner to shorten out the device's primer. Sorry about that exposure to dangerous radiation, McBlunkfoot--enjoy having eight brain tumors next month. Next time, don't be so lazy and decontaminate yourself when you come out of the plutonium mine . The strip club can wait.

I didn't say these were good ideas.

Pierre's weakness? Anything to do with anyone who plays for the Carolina Hurricanes (formerly, the only NHL team that he coached, the Hartford Whalers). His strength? Knowing exactly who would be able to solve a problem, given the fact that they're from such-and-such town in Canada where they had to work at a hardware store while they played in the developmental league and thus know to remove the hinges from an industrial-sized arena door. Weird crap like that.

It's a superhero story with an average Joe who is very enthusiastic and runs around town when he's not calling a hockey game.

I know, terrible idea, right?